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Post by (minisniper) on Oct 25, 2009 18:39:47 GMT
BATHTUB TEST
During a visit to a mental institution, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
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Jokes
Nov 3, 2009 17:52:30 GMT
Post by asahartz on Nov 3, 2009 17:52:30 GMT
Oh please, don't get me started! I'm a fan of the Tim Vine school of corny one-liners... you really don't want me to start those!
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Post by (minisniper) on Nov 4, 2009 16:34:46 GMT
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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bigsniper
Senior Member
Don't always act on what you think or feel
Posts: 15
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Post by bigsniper on Nov 4, 2009 17:49:21 GMT
THE OLDER WOMAN. I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, And I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Holly on Nov 6, 2009 10:35:44 GMT
I saw this on another forum a while ago ... ;D
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Jokes
Nov 30, 2009 22:30:07 GMT
Post by (minisniper) on Nov 30, 2009 22:30:07 GMT
NHS Humour
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. And yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent.
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr.Leonard.J.Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Dec 1, 2009 10:16:26 GMT
Post by Holly on Dec 1, 2009 10:16:26 GMT
heres a festive one for you .... Are you all being good boys and girls? Remember, Santa's keeping his list, so you'd best stay on his good side! ;D
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bigsniper
Senior Member
Don't always act on what you think or feel
Posts: 15
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Post by bigsniper on Dec 11, 2009 16:34:03 GMT
Will she or won't she ?? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Dec 14, 2009 10:19:32 GMT
Post by rose4765 on Dec 14, 2009 10:19:32 GMT
three men in a pole dancing club watching a dancer do her thing round the pole the lad from leicester leans forward and sticks a ten pound note on her left buttock, not to be outdone the lad from nottingham leans forward and sticks a twenty pound note on her right buttock the lad from glasgow thinks right swipes his credit card down the crack of her bum and takes the cash back ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Jan 13, 2010 19:33:45 GMT
Post by (minisniper) on Jan 13, 2010 19:33:45 GMT
I saw this on another site and it made me laugh out loud ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Jan 14, 2010 19:24:18 GMT
Post by rose4765 on Jan 14, 2010 19:24:18 GMT
ooo err ;D
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Jokes
Jan 24, 2010 17:22:39 GMT
Post by Holly on Jan 24, 2010 17:22:39 GMT
I saw this on another forum ...
;D
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2010 20:00:56 GMT
Post by miniac91 on Jan 29, 2010 20:00:56 GMT
I'm going to steal one of my favorites from "The Office".......
What's the diffrence between your penis and your money?
I can produce at least six girls who'd be happy to blow your money. ;D
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2010 16:13:49 GMT
Post by Holly on Mar 31, 2010 16:13:49 GMT
I saw this on another forum ;D .....
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea , does that mean that one enjoys it?
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Post by Holly on Apr 16, 2010 7:48:49 GMT
Copied from another forum, This will give you a giggle ;D ....
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Jokes
Jul 22, 2010 19:53:06 GMT
Post by shoutforjoy on Jul 22, 2010 19:53:06 GMT
A guy wins a big fortune in the lottery so he goes down to his local Rolls Royce dealer and orders a new Rolls with every possible option fitted. A couple of days later he picks up his new car and drives it proudly down the street. At the first set of traffic lights he pulls up beside an bloke in a Mini.
Wanting to boast about his new car he calls out to the Mini driver "Hey, do you like my new car? It's a Rolls with all the options. Absolutely everything that can be fitted".
The Mini driver replies "So what, I bet you don't have a double bed in there".
"You can't have a double bed in a car".
"Yes you can" replies the Mini driver, "I've got one".
"What you've got a double bed in your Mini?" says the Rolls driver in disbelief.
"Sure do, pull over and I'll show you".
So they pull over to the side of the road and the Rolls driver looks inside the Mini and sure enough there's a double bed in the back. Well the Rolls driver is furious. He races back the the Rolls dealer and says
"Look I said I wanted everything fitted to my car. I want a double bed fitted"
"But you can't fit a double bed in a car, sir" says the dealer.
"I don't care. I've just seen a Mini with one fitted so I want one in my Rolls"
"Yes, sir" says the dealer, "we'll see what we can do".
A couple of days later the dealers calls up and says the Rolls is ready with a double bed fitted. The guy goes and picks up his car with the smug feeling that he isn't being out done by a Mini driver. Further down the road he sees the Mini parked on the side of the road rocking from side to side with it's windows all steamed up.
"Right" thinks the Rolls owner, "I'll show him whose got the best car".
So he does a U turn, parks beside the Mini, gets out and knocks on the Mini's window. There's no response so he knocks again. Still no response so he knocks harder a third time. The Mini's window winds down and the rather irate Mini driver pokes his head out.
"Who's knocking on my car, oh it's you" he says recognising the Rolls driver, "What do you want?"
"I've got a double bed in my Rolls" gloats the Rolls driver.
"What!" says the Mini driver, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that."
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Jokes
Jul 22, 2010 19:59:18 GMT
Post by shoutforjoy on Jul 22, 2010 19:59:18 GMT
[possibly the oldest ever mini joke!]
An Almond Green 1963 848cc Mk I Mini (we need to be precise here!) breaks down on the M1 Motorway, a passing Porsche driver takes pity on the poor guy and offers to tow him to the next garage. (OK, OK, it was a silver 1973 911 Carrera RS 2.7 - can I please get on with the story?) They hook up the tow rope and set off together down the road but they don't get more than about a mile when a yellow Lamborghini Countach (yes, and before you ask, of course it was the 1988 25th anniversary edition with the later model 5.2 liter V12 added as an aftermarket upgrade) blows past them at enormous speed. Well, the Porsche owner cannot stand to see this happen - a red mist descends and he floors the gas pedal.
Much later, and about ten miles down the road, a weary police officer is talking to his colleagues. "You won't believe what I saw today" he says. "There was this Lamborghini and this Porsche racing side by side down the M1 - I clocked them at 140 mph - and right on their tail was this little green Mini who was honking at them to get out of his way so he could get past!"
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Jokes
Aug 8, 2010 20:43:04 GMT
Post by (minisniper) on Aug 8, 2010 20:43:04 GMT
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26..
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshitand Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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Post by (minisniper) on Aug 19, 2010 8:15:45 GMT
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 19, 2010 10:11:25 GMT
Post by clambod on Aug 19, 2010 10:11:25 GMT
Really liked the punch line, so true.
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Post by (minisniper) on Oct 28, 2010 21:30:26 GMT
parrots for sale at £170, £150 and £10, woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap", shopkeeper replies "it used to live in a brothel", the woman finds it funny and buys it, she gets home and the parrot says "feck me a new brothel" the woman laughs, her two daughters come home and the ...parrot says "feck me new girls" and they laugh, when her husband walks in the parrot says "feck me keith, long time no see!
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Post by shoutforjoy on Aug 2, 2011 7:42:26 GMT
Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder head from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
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Jokes
Aug 3, 2011 10:28:09 GMT
Post by clambod on Aug 3, 2011 10:28:09 GMT
Nice one.
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Jokes
Mar 27, 2017 23:43:20 GMT
Post by mra-minis on Mar 27, 2017 23:43:20 GMT
I can be contacted on martin@kmprecisionengineering.com
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
From my good friend Imtiaz Mahmood
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